the more i learn, the more i cry…

It seems as if the older I get, the more confusing life becomes. I’ve finally started to dive underneath the tip of my iceberg. What did I unearth? A lot of untapped and buried emotions and issues. For starters, I finally realized one thing about myself. I am very much a loner. Even when I am surrounded by people, I feel very much alone. I’ve also come to understand that people are not easily trusted because they are too unpredictable. They come and go, come and go, come…and…go. As a result, I find a less desire or need to befriend anyone. That’s just a part of life that I need to accept but I do find it difficult. In addition, I have absolutely no right to disrupt anyone’s progression in life so my thoughts are often silenced for fear of being labeled “selfish”. I also find that people, including me, are not good at listening. They are too busy to “fix” you or analyze you when all you want is someone to tell you that they understand and can relate. In lieu of that, you’re thrown back a label, an advice column or even worse, pity.

It hurts even more when all three of these “revelations” come together when I am feeling most down. I always feel like I have no one to talk to, at least no one I can trust. And when I do let my guard down a little and share a snippet, it’s not too long before I’m given a prescription of what I need. Either that or they just move on with their lives. So what do I do? I do what I do best. As long as the ocean depths allow, I swallow it, plant a smile, and move on…