undeserving…
My goal in life is to be as good of a person my dog already thinks I am. -Author Unknown
Tonight I realized more so than ever, how much I am blessed because tonight, I saw Doug. As in really saw him for who he is and all he truly encompasses…
“Jane, he was sitting here for a long time just waiting for you,” my dad said to me on our walk back home from the train station.
My heart immediately flooded with emotion. It was the first time in a long time my heart didn’t feel like stone or heavy with burden, a temporary lifting of spirits.
“He kept wagging his tail every time he saw people leaving the station, especially when it was a girl. But then he just sat back down when it wasn’t you and waited for the next train. A woman asked me why he was sitting on the corner. I told her that he was waiting for his owner.”
“My Hachi,” I whispered with a smile.
The last few months, have been the most trying months in a very long time. I’ve learned painful lessons, had many sleepless nights, shed one too many tears, and exercised until my body cried for mercy because I didn’t know how else to get rid of the anger, the pain, the frustration. But even that was only a temporary fix before I woke up the next day feeling the same self-loathing emotions. However, some mornings these negative thoughts would come back with a vengeance ten-fold. Those were the mornings I found most difficult to wake up. But thankfully, god always provided me with enough strength not only to wake up but to get through the day.
Tonight on our walk back home, I realized how special Doug truly is and how undeserving I am of his love. It made me think, “What did I ever do to deserve you?” as my eyes filled with warm tears. And that’s the beautiful thing about it. I don’t deserve him, which makes him a gift.
There are so many wonderful things about Doug, or dogs in general. But of course, please excuse and understand my bias. Plenty of people have mocked my relationship with my dog saying it’s unhealthy and I need to have real relationships with people but until you yourself have a dog, you can never comprehend or embrace the friendship that organically becomes a bond so strong nothing but death can separate it. And even then, the memories you build together are powerful enough to help you live vicariously through them for years on end. Once a dog finds his way into your heart, you slowly change not because he makes you but because his good qualities rub off on you, making you want to be a better person. Some say dogs are almost human but that is far from the truth. That would be an insult to most dogs. Agnes Sligh Turnbul once said, “Dogs’ lives are too short. Their only fault, really.” I couldn’t agree anymore.
I love him. I love how the moment my alarm goes off and my bare feet hit the cold wooden floor, I’m not only greeted by goose bumps from the moment my skin comes in contact with the cold but I can always rely on seeing Doug’s smile and wagging tail, reassuring me that the day will go well. I love him. I love how he jumps up on me when I’m working feverishly, scattering my papers hither and thither just to remind me to take time to laugh and play, to find my inner Peter Pan. I love him. I love how he chooses to lay next to my bed on the hardwood floor to keep me company instead of his cozy comforter because he can tell I’m going to need a friend within the next few minutes. And most times, he is right because the floodgates come soon after. How he can tell, I will never know. But I do know I love him. I love how even though I don’t give him all of my attention when it’s not convenient for me, he is always ready to give 100% to me any time. I love him. I love how after his morning walk he immediately sits by the foyer and watches me close the door behind me, reminding me once again that all will be well and that he will be at home awaiting my return. I love him. And most importantly, I love the lessons he teaches me, lessons of hope. His whole life is built on hope and the fruits of being hopeful whether it be for a yummy treat, a possible squirrel hunt, that I’ll be on the next train, or just for a great tomorrow. He never stops hoping. From the moment he was lost and found in Georgia and given a second chance at life in Brooklyn is a testimony of God’s sovereignty. And I love how amidst his wild idiosyncracies, he is who he is and doesn’t need to find reasons to improve himself all the time. Simply stated, he is content. And he is way good at it. I. love. him. And thank you abba father for using Doug as an instrument to remind me what redeeming and comforting power only an ounce of your love possesses, let alone Your eternal love…
I think dogs are the most amazing creatures; they give unconditional love. For me they are the role model for being alive.
-Gilda Radner
